And so that’s that the South African matric results of 2022 are out and about. School is officially properly  out for so many and with that comes a myriad of emotions ranging from relief, joy and jubilation to dread, disappointment and anger. No two experiences are exactly cut and paste the same. So I just wanted to weigh in with some thoughts for the parents straddling this range of emotions both within themselves and watching things play out for their children.

For the ones whose children did well

Rejoice! This is good news and cause for celebration. Your child’s journey to this point has a whole story attached to it that has got them to this point. For some it may have come easily, for others it may have required seriously hard work sometimes against all odds and challenges. However, they have come to this point don’t minimize this moment, share in your pride and joy with them.

For the ones whose children did not do well

Feel what you feel! Whatever the feelings are, they have a place. Acknowledge them and have a space to express them and hold yourself tight so that you are in the best position to help your child through what must now be a challenging period as you and your child watch the rejoicing all over the place and they feel their options being limited. They too have a whole story attached to this point, it may have included hard work, challenges or perhaps indifference and lack of effort. However they have come to this point, they are here now. Share with them that you are there for them. Matric results should not dictate how a relationship progresses.

For everyone

This is not the end point

Matric is a point on life’s journey but it is by no means the end point. Of course we want them to do the best that they can do so that they have options but we must not confuse this with the be ALL and end ALL for our children’s paths. Many a successful life story starts with a bad overall school experience, and many do not but we must remember this a point and not THE point on their paths. We need them to keep on keeping on whatever the matric results are.

Milestones and Expectations abound

Remember when they weren’t crawling and everyone else’s child seemed to be crawling like champion crawlers? . Milestones and expectations abound on the parenting journey and unmet  or delayed expectations can feel calamitous. Yet, somehow they got through and we did too. We need to hold onto the fact that things can feel so terribly all-consuming and overwhelming when we are in the eye of the storm but trusting that we can get through  the highs and lows of parenting is part of all of our parenting stories. Sometimes we need support to get through but there is always a way.

Keep Connected

Of course it can feel like those who have excelled are in the enviable position where sayings like “ The world is your oyster” and “You have the world at your feet”, seem to ring true. Whilst opportunities may be plentiful they may also be daunting and overwhelming for many who think they are meant to just KNOW what to do and what will make them happy and successful…. All at the tender age of 18!

For those whose choices seem curtailed by their matric results, they too can feel similar feelings in terms of what and where to now, often compounded by judgment and disappointment.

Keep them all connected to us. Yes this is a time of letting them go, separating out further from us and getting the adulting started; but that does not mean leaving them high and dry. Let them know that they are loved. Keep talking to them, thinking with them and stay interested in them. Let them know that we have their backs, we still have their backs. Text them, even if they aren’t texting back all the time (don’t over text, give them space too, oh the dances we dance! ) Call from time to time. Let them know their fears, worries, joys and celebrations still have a place in your heart and mind even when there is distance.

The power of ‘yet’

Just adding this 3 letter word into our sentences gives growth, possibility and opportunity. So instead of “ She doesn’t have a clue what she wants to do with her life” or “He doesn’t have any interest in talking about his future.” , add the word’ yet’ onto the end of these sentences. It can help things feel less stuck and more flexible and changeable.

Keep Options and Interests Alive

Academics may not have been their moment to shine but they may have loved dancing, shown an interest in animals or played a musical instrument. Remain interested and encouraging of these interests. Often beautiful things develop from something that you enjoy.

Parenting Badges

If they were handing out parenting badges of honour, I think maybe we would have quite a few! The badge for the parent who survived the tantrum in the shopping aisle whilst sweating and crying and enduring a strangers unsolicited interference.. The badge for getting them to school on time even on the day you couldn’t find any clean socks. The badge for the time you wanted to scream at the kid who was rude to your kid but you managed to breathe and get perspective. You get the picture.  To get your child through matric may have meant great frustration, sacrifice, commitment, humour, a huge amount of digging deep etc. Never ever minimize what it has taken to help get your kid and yourself to this point. Matric is another opportunity for another award-winning badge but it is not THE badge of honour.  Spoiler alert, there isn’t one at any point. It’s a continuous journey where sometimes you feel pride and joy and pat yourself on the back for a job well done and sometimes you berate yourself and think how badly exactly have I screwed up this kid. We need to be kind to ourselves and each other. This moment is not decisive evidence of your good or bad parenting. Many moments made this moment and you will continue to make others. Yes, you have influenced this moment big time and you are a vital variable in this story but it is not your mark of success or failure as a parent.

We are ( if we are fortunate enough to get the chance)  playing the long game here. Let’s play it thoughtfully.