When You Parent on Your Own
Whether you chose to parent on your own or circumstances changed, solo parenting brings its own set of joys and challenges. Parenting on your own, regardless of how you arrived at this point, can have its ups and downs. It’s helpful to consider how to keep both yourself and your children in mind as you navigate doing it solo.
The Joys
Pride on Steroids
When things are going well, you may feel an immense sense of pride in your child, knowing you’ve supported them to get where they are. The Yiddish word nachas captures a deep, heartfelt pride and joy parents feel from their child’s accomplishments, successes, or happiness. This feeling can be amplified when your child reaches a milestone, overcomes a challenge, or performs for the first time at a school concert while you have a gigantic smile and a nachas-filled tear rolling down your cheek. Recognising that you’ve raised them alone and are doing a great job is so treasured. Taking time to acknowledge this personal achievement is important, as it reminds you of your capability and resilience.
Solo parenting comes with unique challenges, so celebrating the wins matters. Whether it’s a smooth bedtime, a good report card, or a shared laugh, acknowledging these wins can foster a positive mindset and remind you of your achievements.
Close Relationship
Solo parents may find they have a close bond with their children. There’s often a strong partnership and connection between you and your child. This relationship can feel unique, as the absence of another parent means all emotional energy flows between you and your child, building a deeper connection.
Doing It Your Way
Without the clash of parenting styles, rules, or expectations that can come with co-parenting, solo parents have the freedom to make decisions without contradiction. While others might influence decisions, you steer the ship. This can mean creating a consistent, stable environment for your child.
What to Watch Out For When Flying Solo
Self-Care and Support
Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially when you’re doing this on your own. Many single parents respond to the idea of self-care with something like, “You have no idea how little time I have.” While solo parenting is undoubtedly hugely heavy on demands, skipping self-care comes at a cost. You’re responsible for everything: your child’s emotional, physical, and educational well-being, along with countless other responsibilities. Making even a small amount of time for yourself can reap rewards. If you make the time, you’ll have the time—promise!
Equally important is seeking support. You cannot and should not do everything alone because it takes a toll. Ask a friend or family member to take the kids for a couple of hours so you can rest, read, go for a walk, or simply savour going to the toilet alone! It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you only deserve help if you have an urgent deadline or appointment, but regular support helps you be the parent you want to be. This is particularly important for working parents who will need to have to rely on others to support them when they are not available. Asking for help is a strong, often brave act of self-preservation. Identify what you need and ask for it. Worse case you get a ‘no’. Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity and not in a cheesy way, for real. This regular support not only replenishes your energy and capacity but also models self-care for your child.
Solo parenting can come with financial challenges. Managing finances carefully can reduce stress and allow for better focus on parenting. Consider budgeting tools, financial counselling, or seeking community support where available to help make informed financial decisions.
Creating a reliable network of friends, family, or fellow parents can make solo parenting more manageable. Consider joining local parenting groups or online communities tailored to solo parents. These networks can provide emotional support, practical advice, and most importantly connection so that you recognise you may be doing it solo but you are not alone.
Use Your Words
“I would really appreciate it if you could take Xavier for two hours every second Saturday—could that work for you?”
“I’m sorry I can’t help with the school play right now. I just don’t have the time.”
“I missed your call because I exercise early on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays before Buhle wakes up.”
“Can you help me draw up a budget, I am struggling to come out very month?”
Maintaining Parent-Child Roles
Solo parents sometimes refer to their child as their “buddy” or “bestie,” reflecting the close bond they share. While this connection is beautiful, clear boundaries help both of you thrive. Children need a parent who can guide them, not a best friend. They will find friends their own age on the playground. If you notice that you and your child are constantly acting like best friends, pause and reflect on whether this dynamic is helpful for both you and your child.
In some cases, children may try to take on roles that shouldn’t be theirs, like being overly protective or trying to make decisions. Gently remind them of their place in the family so they can continue being a child. This is helpful for their emotional development, ensuring they feel secure in knowing that you are there to lead and support them (even if they don’t always like or appreciate it). They need to know that you will be okay, even when they are not with you.
Helping your child become more independent can ease some of the demands of solo parenting. Teach them age-appropriate tasks like packing their school bag, setting the table, or tidying up. These small responsibilities can boost their confidence and lessen your workload. Often solo parents fall into a trap of doing more for their children than they may actually require.
Use Your Words
“Mama will be okay when you go to school. I have things to do too. We’ll miss each other, but we’ll see each other later.”
“I love spending time together, but sometimes Dad needs to hang out with his friends, and you need to hang out with yours.”
“It’s okay for us to like different things. We’re not the same person.”
“Thanks for telling me what you want, but just a reminder that I’m the adult here, and I make the final decision.”
Maintaining Boundaries
It can be hard to set and follow through on boundaries, especially when you’re tired or feeling overwhelmed and it just feels easier. It’s tempting to give in to a child’s demands, but children need both empathy and firm boundaries to feel secure. Consistently giving in can make them feel adrift. Without clear boundaries, children can feel lost and uncertain about their place in the world. Providing structure and limits helps them develop self-discipline and trust.
Use Your Words
“I’m sorry it feels unfair that Mom gets to stay up later and watch TV. Your bedtime is 8.30 pm and that rule stays.”
“I know it is hard to wait when I am talking. You have a choice—either you stop interrupting me or you will need to go to your room.”
Family Identity
Solo parents sometimes share that their family feels incomplete, especially when comparing themselves to families with two parents. It’s important to acknowledge this feeling but also to recognise the richness of your family. Refer to your household as a family and focus on the values, rituals, and routines that make it unique. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and there’s no specific number that defines a family. Reframe your family dynamic as one of strength and uniqueness, teaching your child that love and connection, not numbers, define what makes a family whole.
Use Your Words
“I love how we always make cards for each other on birthdays.”
“ We are a solid unit.”
“In our family, we treat each other with respect.”
“Let’s make this a thing we do every Sunday.”
“You often ask why you don’t have a dad/mum at concerts. I understand that seeing other kids with their parents might feel hard. We’ve talked about this, but I’m always here to listen if you want to talk more.”
“Families come in all shapes and sizes. Our family is you and me.”
Questions and Answers
My daughter has always slept in my bed. It’s just the two of us, so it’s easier, and I quite like it. But sometimes it’s not ideal. Should I change this?
If it’s starting to feel like it’s time for a change, trust that feeling. At some point, both your own space and your child’s privacy become important. You may also want to consider how this dynamic will affect your future relationships. Helping your child transition to her own room or a separate bed can be done gradually, but every family is different. It’s an invaluable skill to learn to fall asleep independently. This shift will also benefit your child’s growing sense of independence. If this arrangement is circumstantial due to space, you can still help to separate out different spaces and rules. For example, you may still go to bed later than your child, or they may need to know that one side of the room is where they keep their things and the other side is yours, and spaces need to be respected.
I hate Mother’s Day/Father’s Day because it highlights what’s missing. How do I protect my child from feeling this?
It’s impossible to block these days out entirely, and trying to hide them can make your child feel as though something is wrong or shameful. Instead, use these opportunities to talk openly about your child’s feelings. If their mum or dad has died, talk about memories of that parent. If there’s no mother or father in their lives, acknowledge that it can feel different and give your child space to express their emotions. Avoid hiding reality—addressing it can help minimise difficult feelings. Facing these moments together strengthens emotional resilience and teaches children how to handle complex emotions. You can do this through play or talking directly to your child, but remember they may avoid talking about this. That’s okay, rather err on the side of making space for these conversations.
Use Your Words
“Hi Ms Grooves, I know Father’s Day is coming up, and Xavier doesn’t have a dad. Could we chat about what he might do? Maybe he could make a card for me or his grandpa instead.”
“I know Mother’s Day makes you miss Mum. It’s hard when other kids are making things for their mothers. How about making something to remember Mum, and we can leave it on her grave or send it up in the sky?”
“Father’s Day is coming up. I know that can feel strange because there’s a day for someone you don’t have. How does that make you feel? I’m here if you want to talk.”
I feel like I am always the bad cop because there is nobody else to get my son to do stuff. How do I balance this out a bit more?
Your awareness of this is key. You don’t want to feel like you are policing all the time. While you are the one in charge of everything and it can be exhausting, try to create spaces where you are saying ‘yes’ and not always ‘no.’ Even though it can be hard when so much needs to get done, try to connect with your child around things that are not instruction related and are simply about connecting around something for connection’s sake. Try to bring in some collaborative decision making so that your child still need to take responsibility but also has some autonomy.
Use Your Words
“I have thought about it and actually you can have 15 more minutes to finish your game.”
“The dishwasher needs to be unpacked; do you want to do it before or after supper?”
“Wait, before you do your homework, I wanted to tell you about the rugby news I heard.”
