When You Parent with a Partner – Part 2
In the first part of this blog, I explored how communication can support (or sabotage) our parenting partnerships. Now let’s turn to some of the practical challenges—like different parenting styles, the mental load, finances, and how to try and stay connected as a couple. A reminder from Part 1 – none of this comes easy but its worth a try to enhance a couples often rollicking ride through parenthood.
Who Is the Rightest of Them All?
We can get stuck in the loop of who is right and who is wrong. The truth is, perspective is subjective. Healthy relationships are less about being right and more about how we respond to our partners and their behaviour.
Most of us have well-worn scripts. In parent coaching sessions with couples, I often share how we could predictably script an argument: who says what, when, and how it will escalate. Whether it’s about school lunches, phone use, screen time, or discipline—we’ve often seen this movie before, and yet we keep pressing play.
For example:
A child speaks rudely.
Partner 1: “That’s disgusting. You’re revolting. Get out of here.”
Partner 2: “Don’t shout at her like that.”
Partner 1: “Don’t contradict me. You never back me up.”
Partner 2: “You never speak respectfully.”
And so it unravels…
The power lies in the fact that we can choose to change the script. As Robert E. Quinn writes about our patterned scrips in Change the World: “At that point, neither of us can experience the other in a meaningful way. We have retreated into our shells… Our scripts are envelopes. As long as we hold those scripts, they define who we are. They give us comfort, but they also limit our growth.”
We need to actively catch ourselves and give ourselves the chance to change predictable scripts.
Different Parenting Styles
In the early days of love, when we were gazing into each other’s unsleep-deprived eyes, we didn’t ask: “Hey, in the event that we procreate, how would you handle managing a non-compliant child?”
Once children arrive, our parenting styles emerge. That can be daunting, especially when those styles clash. Parents often skate between good cop bad cop roles and declare each other too lenient or too strict.
In my practice, I encourage parents to reflect together on what they want for their family. Shared values create a solid foundation. When big-picture goals are aligned, it’s easier to work through the day-to-day disagreements and have a game plan on how to deal with them.
Use Your Words
“ Lets think about how we want things to be for our family.”
“I know respect matters to both of us. How should we handle it when the kids are rude?”
“We were brought up differently. Let’s figure out what works best for our family.”
“I need things tidy, and I know I can be rigid. I’m working on that.”
“Being emotionally available matters to me, but I know I struggle with separating from the kids.”
Who Carries the Load?
It’s tempting and common to compete over who’s more tired, more stressed, or doing the most – a game that has no winners.
In heterosexual couples, even when both partners work outside the home, women predominantly tend to carry more of the mental load—doctor’s appointments, school transport, meals, extracurricular arrangements etc. In same sex couples, someone is also often left holding more of the nitty gritty childcare stuff. One client described his realization of this tendency which came during Covid: before the pandemic, he left home in the morning and had a clear block of time called “Work.” His wife, though also working, never had that kind of uninterrupted stretch called “Work” as she was constantly also holding what was happening with the kids
It is impossible to strike some perfect elusive balance in it all. The demands will shift as children get older. What matters is identifying what works for your family, not anyone else’s. Clear structures and predictable routines help ease resentment. Deciding who shops, cooks, or fetches kids on which days can make a big difference. Talking about the structure and demands is key.
Use Your Words
“I’ll cook on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
“Can we come up with a plan for school admin?”
“I know you have late meetings on Wednesdays, I’ll put the kids to sleep on that day.”
Finances
Children dramatically increase the cost of daily life. Money is a common source of stress for couples, especially when communication is poor. If finances are a pain point, ignoring them won’t help. You don’t need a formal financial summit—just a regular check-in. A shared sense of what’s happening helps ease tension and worry. Of course you may not agree but at least things are open which can ease tension.
Use Your Words
“I’ve noticed groceries are costing a lot more. Can we look at this together?”
“Can we schedule a monthly budget chat to check in?”
“With school fees and uniforms, I’m stretched this month. Can you cover the uniforms?”
Connecting
In the early days of marriage, the idea of a “date night” felt contrived to me. I’d sarcastically and admittedly unhelpfully quip, “Am I supposed to turn on the charm at 7:15pm on a Tuesday just because it’s deemed Date Night?”
But life—and parenting—has a way of making you realise the importance of intentionally carving out time for each other.
It doesn’t have to be over the top, we aren’t talking whisking your partner off to Paris. Small, consistent gestures, prioritizing your relationship; help keep connection alive.
It helps to take turns planning the time together—and finding childcare. Novelty can be a welcome reset when life starts to feel like Groundhog Day. It’s also good for children to see their parents prioritising this time. It models healthy boundaries and reinforces that their parents’ relationship matters.
Use Your Words
“I can block off Tuesday lunchtimes for us. Can that work?”
“Let’s plan something every second Thursday. We’ll alternate who organises it.”
Questions and Answers
I’m exhausted. I know we should make time for each other, but all I want to do is collapse into Netflix. What should we do?
You’re not alone. The danger of not making an effort is that disconnection grows. And one day, the kids leave—and you might not recognise the person beside you. It doesn’t have to be at night. Try a morning walk or even watching something together. Small steps count.
Our kids freak out when we go out, so we end up sneaking off or answering texts the whole time. It’s just not worth it.
That sounds awful—and not exactly conducive to romancing the night away. Try preparing them ahead of time: explain who’s looking after them, what they can do while you’re out, and when you’ll check on them. Empathize with their feelings rather than minimizing or ignoring them but hold a boundary. Don’t sneak out—it erodes trust. Kids can survive goodbyes when they trust that you go and come back when you say that you will. And remember: time together doesn’t have to be amazing. It might be tense or even a bit awkward — but it’s still about showing up for each other.
Use Your Words
“I know it’s hard when we go out. One more hug, and then we’re leaving.”
“You can send two texts and make one call. Otherwise, the babysitter will call us if needed.”
“Spending time together is important for us too. I know it’s hard, but we’ll be back.”
