When You Parent with a Partner– Part 1

Building a foundation of communication and connection

If we follow a parenting fairy-tale version of life, two people will meet, fall madly in love, and their love will simply continue to blossom in a honeymoonish kind of way. Should they want a child, this love will result in the birth of one, and they will all live happily ever after, revelling in love and joy. The end.

Afraid not.

Chances are, there will be many twists and turns in this story. Even the most loved-up relationships inevitably experience some messiness along the way—it’s the nature of the relationship beast. Adding a child into the mix will change things. Change can be both wonderful and overwhelming. Even when it’s positive, change adds a new layer of stress to our lives. So, despite the fact that the two of you may have been deeply in love, planned to have a child, and felt like things were going smoothly—I assure you that having a child raises the stakes when it comes to relationship stress.

If we’re parenting with a partner, it helps to explore some of the factors that can impact our parenting partnerships—for better or worse.

Sharing Love, Challenges and Responsibilities

There’s no one quite like your partner when it comes to sharing unfiltered adoration, love, and pride in your child. Grandparents may come a close second. Similarly, when there are concerns or tough decisions to face, you’re not alone in carrying the burden. Responsibilities—emotional, logistical, and financial—can be shared in a partnership.

Of course, the reality is that balance is rarely perfect. Someone usually ends up holding more of the load. But the hope in parenting with a partner is that you’re not left entirely alone—literally or figuratively—holding the baby.

Communication

Relationships—with all their starry-eyed highs and hateful-glare lows—can be tricky to navigate. We must remind ourselves that there are things we can do to support the relationship, even when we feel stuck in entrenched patterns. Change is hard!

As I type this, I can practically feel my husband raising an eyebrow to the sky as if to say, “Have you actually read the chapter you just wrote?”

Becoming—and continuing to be—a parent is completely uncharted territory. It affects everything: our identities, hearts, bodies, careers, minds, relationships, and finances. Each of us adjusts in our own way. We bring different histories and experiences to parenting, so we don’t always end up on the same page—or even in the same book—as our partners.

The Gottman Institute identifies four communication styles that signal trouble in relationships, calling them the Four Horsemen:

– Criticism – attacking your partner’s character: “You never help with the kids” or “You’re always on your phone.”

– Defensiveness – responding to perceived blame with excuses: “So I was late for the school play. You have no idea how busy I am. You’re usually late anyway.”

– Stonewalling – withdrawing from an interaction with no explanation: giving the silent treatment.

– Contempt – sarcasm, belittling, or mockery: “Oh, nice of you to show up. I didn’t think you even knew where the classroom was.”

We can learn to manage our tendency to fall into these patterns. Simply noticing our default reactions is a good place to start.

Avoid sweeping generalisations like “always” and “never.” They’re rarely true and usually provoke defensiveness. A partner will lurch into “that one time” by way of evidence to prove you wrong and will diminish your credibility. Use “I” language (“I feel overwhelmed”) instead of “You” language (“You never help me”), which increases the chance of actually being heard.

Listening—really listening—is one of the most powerful communication tools we have. This doesn’t mean listening while silently preparing your counterattack. It means pausing and allowing what’s been said to land.

Unspoken assumptions can create friction. We often expect our partners to know what we need, want or wish for, and we feel upset when they don’t. Clear communication helps us avoid the resentment that builds when needs are assumed rather than expressed.

Expressing appreciation is vital. Acknowledging what your partner does—even if it’s small—helps build respect and reduce criticism. It helps to offset all the times you share what they didn’t do or did do badly.

When you feel overwhelmed or triggered, saying you need time to think is better than withdrawing as in stonewalling.. It keeps the line of communication open.

And finally, instead of defending your every action, try taking responsibility where it’s due. Acknowledging that we’ve messed up or could have done better is a powerful act of partnership.

Use Your Words

“I’m exhausted and struggling. Please can you organise dinner a couple of nights a week?”

“I’d appreciate your help with the evening routine. Can we think about that together?”

“Thank you for telling me what’s frustrating you. It’s hard to hear, but I’m glad we’re talking.”

“I feel judged when you talk about me not being around. What can we do to change this?”

“I was late. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks for doing the lunchboxes—it was a big help.”

“Sorry to interrupt. I need a moment to calm down before I respond.”

“I’ve been distracted with work lately, and I can imagine that’s been frustrating.”

Stay tuned for Part Two, where we explore parenting styles, mental load, finances, and how to reconnect as a couple through it all.